‘Aa Gaya Hero’ movie review: The baap of all nonsense, and nuisance too

Directed By: Dipankar Senapati
Produced By: Govinda
Cast: Govinda, Poonam Pandey, Ashutosh Rana
Duration: 2 hours 25 minutes
Bollywood Bubble Rating: 0.5/5

I am trying to write ‘Aa Gaya Hero’ movie review. I am so empathetic towards myself right now. I am not sure whether I want to write or give myself a tight hug. I am sitting inside an empty Cafe Coffee Day and making faces. The staff are giving me puzzled glares. They won’t understand. They didn’t watch ‘Aa Gaya Hero’.

As a part of the ritual, I have to tell you the brief story. Good, very good. I am up for the challenge. Ravindra Verma (Govinda) is a police officer. He, along with some other influential administrators has built an organisation called ‘Abhinay Chakra’. I first thought it was a theatre group. Then I thought it was something similar to AIB. Then I thought it was a group of hoax-stars. Then I realised, they were all policemen trying to catch criminals. Hide ‘n’ seek, yay!

‘Aa Gaya Hero’ kickstarts as a man disguised in a blue saree drops a bag inside a crowded shopping mall and runs away. Another man finds the bag and chases the woman… err, man to return it. I am waiting with bated breath. The culprit escapes home, reveals his moustached face and gives a scary laughter, like that of a hyena. I am not scared though! I’ve watched enough of Animal Planet.

So, now we have to catch the culprit. That’s where Govinda arrives. Apna hero! He has to find out who caused such a blast. Kaun Desh Ko Khokla Karna Chahta Hai? During the process, he encounters deadly local goons wearing lungis and those corrupt politicians. I don’t know how all villains look similar though! Most of the times, Govinda is kicking and shooting. When he is bored, he brings beautiful women from god knows where, and does some naach gaana. Meanwhile, I forgot where the film started from. My neighbour in the lonely theatre is murmuring, ‘kya ho rela, kuch nahi samajh raha’.

But I won’t leave. Deshbhakti ka sawal hai! So I find Ashutosh Rana entering the scenario. His younger brother (Murali Sharma) is a stalker, a molester, a murderer etc etc. Ashutosh says “Hamare khandan mein kisi ne haath mein phool leke mohabbat nahi kiya. Talwar nikale, khoon bahaye. Bhai hai mera, haq banta hai uska murder karne ka!” Hiccups, hiccups, hiccups. First ‘Jeena Isi Ka Naam Hai’ and then this. What happened to this man? He needs a hug more desperately than I do.

Now I am waiting for Poonam Pandey. There she is, wearing a golden lehenga, flaunting her alluring assets. Hi Poonam! Can you add some interest to my dull hours? Poonam leaves after only one song.

Hey, wait! Govinda has a blind wife! Okay, wait again! She is not blind, she is not even his wife. She is a part of ‘Abhinay Chakra’. Such a big Abhinay Chakra, but no one is doing proper abhinay in film. How funny!

I suddenly remember Tina Ahuja. Govinda has his share of gala dancing times with some 4-5 women, all mostly his daughter’s age. With that flab in his belly and the bags under his eyes, he looks anything but a policeman. Duh, not even like a hero!

I am cursing myself for not buying food during interval. Why aren’t the criminals being caught a little faster, dude? Okay, there’s an interesting, mysterious killer on the screen! He is killing everyone. Meanwhile, Govinda is saying, “Bol Raha Hoon Na, Panga Nahi Karna Hai? Khopdi Kya Ghas Khane Gaya Hai?”

I was unemployed in 2013. They could just hire me for dialogues. Policeman, Hero, Producer, Writer, sab kuch aap hi banoge kya, Govinda?

Another song. I am not interested, so I will now flaunt my technical knowledge. Looks like they’ve shot the film with those dabba cameras, the ones which they use while recording big fat Indian marriages. Only the songs look (ONLY look) better. Because during songs, Govinda himself wears chakmaki clothes and looks better! I always knew he was smart. Bad editing, bad background music, bad visual effects. I am just pissed right now. I am a polite person otherwise!

I didn’t understand the head and tail of it, but the criminals are caught! Looks like the film is nearing end. Oh damn, they are about to open the second file of Abhinay Chakra. Run, run, run…

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