‘Machine’ movie review: A completely cringeworthy rip-off!

Directed By: Abbas-Mustan
Produced By: PEN India, Abbas-Mustan Films Productions, AD Films
Cast: Kiara Advani, Mustafa Burmawalla
Duration: 2 hours 30 minutes
Bollywood Bubble Rating: 1.5/5

Thank heavens I was asked to write a ‘Machine’ movie review. I am digging in donuts and thanking Abbas-Mustan for this eye-opener. They named their newest film machine and throughout the torturous two and a half hours, tried to prove that ‘heart is the only machine that feels’. They forgot, another machine also exists. It is called the BRAIN and it can THINK!

I can’t even dare to explain the story. My intellect and expressions are way too limited for that. But lets try to rip off the already ripped off film. Ransh (Mustafa Burmawalla) is a serial conman who cons women (and sometimes men also) for their property. During one such stint, he meets Sarah (Kiara Advani), the dropdead gorgeous woman, the apple of everyone’s eyes. Ransh has his eyes on her. After successfully wooing her and marrying her, he throws her off the mountain. But voila! From above a few thousand feet, Sarah falls on a tree and a mystery man (I know who he is but it’s too long) saves her. Next, they together set off to take revenge. A lot, lot and lot of (messy) twists follow. Not sure you’d be interested to know. But since I am feeling miserable right now, I have to give away one spoiler in order to calm myself down. Sarah, the beautiful, smart, brainy woman is still madly in love with the man who betrayed her and pushed her off the mountain. After all, ek bar kisi se pyar ho gaya na, toh usey dil se nikalna bahot hi mushkil kaam hota hai! And ‘Dil’ is the only machine that feels!

Although it has been thoroughly denied by the trailer, but the film looks highly influenced by Abbas-Mustan’s superhit flick ‘Baazigar’. And that’s what is hurting me more. Who does this to their own film, dude? Also, there couldn’t be a worse debut for Mustafa Burmawalla. Abbas’ son left no stone unturned to make himself look good. But neither his acting nor his appearance is convincing enough. His fit bod and cool moves go completely wasted.  Mustafa’s chemistry with Kiara does NOT gel up; never! Although in a very limited character, the only little saving grace is Ronit Roy. Carla Dennis, full of stiff mannerism, is another failure.

Also, the story of ‘Machine’ is way too cliched​. It’s 2017! Stalking is NOT romantic and I, a sensible woman, would freak out if someone wrote me a love letter with his own blood or took videos of me doing yoga in pajamas (which itself is a deadly sight anyway)! Women do NOT melt with cute, mushy-mushy surprises!  And what’s with being truly, madly and deeply in love with a criminal? How long before we STOP projecting women as those brainless, forever forgiving creatures? How much in the name of filmy liberty? And dear directors, please don’t pick dialogues from popular Facebook forwards. Main tumhari lipstick zaroor kharab karunga, par aankhon ka kajal kabhi kharab nahi karunga. Like, really?

Coming to songs. ‘Chatur Naar’ must be causing Kishore Kumar to roll in his graves. ‘Cheez Badi’ is decent to hear, but the picturisation is again all about a bad chemistry. The rest two lovey-dovey numbers made us yawn many times.

I went on a deja-vu state. I remembered ‘Baazigar’, ‘Badmash Company’, ‘Ladies vs Ricky Bahl’. Then I realised what was happening . ‘Machine’ is a beautiful Russian salad. Impossible to understand where they picked what ingredient from!

There’s absolutely nothing to look forward to in ‘Machine‘, apart from a beautiful Kiara Advani who looks gorgeous always; even when she is lying on the bed with an injury! The film has been shot in some really cool locations and the car-racing sequences are well-shot. I broke my head to give you good reasons to spend your money on it… but well, sorry!

Watch it this weekend only if you’ve extra cash to waste or if you’ve no life, like me!

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